A Dazzle of Zebras by Carrie Muller

Author:Carrie Muller [Muller, Carrie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Carrie Muller
Published: 2022-09-23T02:57:20+00:00

Twenty

Saturday morning. First day of winter break. The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. But there doesn’t seem to be much point in getting out of bed.

The What-Ifs have won.

In French there’s this saying that goes, J’ai le cafard. Translated literally, it means, “I have the cockroach.” In other words, I’m sad. I have the blues. My turnips have rotted and my donkey is dead.

Today, I have the cockroach.

It’s not like this is the first time The What-Ifs have won. It’s happened plenty of times. Like when our eighth-grade class took a trip to Washington, D.C. over spring break and I decided to stay home because The What-Ifs were concerned about the student-to-chaperone ratio.

Usually I’m pretty good at reasoning away why I didn’t really want to do the thing in the first place. “All those tourists?” I said when my friends left for the capital. “No thanks!” But this time…this is just…

I pull the blankets over my head.

I don’t have an excuse. I just gave in to the fear.

So I guess this is it. This is how my high-school career ends. Not with a bang but with a whimper. Specifically me, whimpering under the covers.

That moment just keeps playing over and over in my head. I’m so sorry, Rahi, I can’t…do that.

What does that even mean? I’m incapable of going on a date with someone? What, am I a superhero who has to keep my gentleman friend at a distance so if a villain finds out my real identity, they won’t target him?

I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot who can’t do the things I want to do because uncertainty is just sooo terrifying for me.

And it would be one thing if it were just my own, private shame. But all my friends were in on it. They spent all that time psyching me up and doing battle with The What-Ifs on my behalf, and now…now I’ve let them down. And I let myself down. And Rahi…

I can’t even think about Rahi. His face when he asked if I wanted to do something else that night…

This heavy quilt is making me all hot and claustrophobic, but I still can’t work up the motivation to leave the bed. I fight the covers away, kicking them off the bed entirely. My hair sticks to my sweaty face even though I do my best to swipe it away. I lie still for a moment, panting slightly.

I think I need some help.

“Cass?” I call out.

No response.

“Mom? Dad? Ghosts-who-maybe-secretly-live-in-our-home? Anyone here?” The house is quiet. Just as well. I don’t really want to get into the whole thing, anyway.

I slither out of bed like an amoeba and trudge downstairs. I’m not hungry, but I stare into the pantry for a while, anyway, without actually looking at any of the food. My body feels so heavy, like the gravity ratcheted up during the night. Aimlessly, my gaze drifts out the window. Maybe some sunshine would help. Get that sweet vitamin D.

I grab Dad’s green flannel from the back of a chair and shrug into it as I step outside.

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